The empire strikes back...
Mood:  d'oh
Got my grades for the second round of exams I had last week...not promising. The only one I did well on was the structures one (which we have another test in on Wednesday...yikes). The other three ranged from average to terrible. So now I have to go talk to the profs and see what I can do to bring my grades up. Damnit damnit damnit. With that in mind, I best get cracking... have a lot of work to do in the next few weeks. Cheerio...

Spring Break Recap
Mood:  vegas lucky
Now Playing: "Just Feel Better" by Carlos Santana & Steven Tyler
So this thing really needs an icon for "over the friggin' moon," because that's more what I'm feeling than *just* vegas lucky. Spring break 2006 was so damned awesome; the most enjoyable time I've had in a long, long while.

The first part of the week kept me busy, partly because I was taking care of all the last minute details, but also because I had to go over to Tampa on Monday for an interview about a summer internship (which I ended up getting. I found that out the next day, which made me pretty darn stoked. I finally get to put my skills to use! Yes!). Seven hours of driving and dealing with rush hour traffic in both Tampa and Orlando certainly takes it out of you, but given the success of the day I can live with it.

Tuesday was the day break really started, at least for me. Ended up just relaxing and playing the piano in the village for most of the day. Great stress reliever for me--kinda bummed I didn't get to play for Christy, but there'll be plenty of opportunities for that.

Which brings me to the real reason break was so damned awesome. Christy and I *finally* got to meet. After eight months of talking on the phone and seeing each other briefly via webcam, the time was finally here. I was a total basketcase driving up to St. Augustine Wednesday morning. First met with a couple of her friends (nice gals, even if they weren't really awake...it was a little early in the morning haha). When I saw her for the first time...let's just say she was everything I had hoped and more. We packed up, got into the car and off we went to Disney. I don't think there was more than about 30 seconds of silence the whole two hour drive down, which, looking back on it, was a good way to break the ice. I was *extremely* relieved to discover that we got along even better in person than we did over the phone and online (my biggest fear being we'd have nothing to say to each other).

Suffice to say, Disney was just great. We had a *fantastic* couple of days. :-D Great food, great rides, and the company couldn't be beat. Certainly a hell of a first date. Haha. Just walking around the parks chatting would have been enough, but I have to say, having her in my arms really felt right...and the way we looked into each other's eyes and smiled...wow. Just wow. I don't think I'll forget that first kiss (or any of them for that matter) for a long time. But I also can't help but think about the sheer *fun* we had together. As close to a perfect two and a half days as there could be.

So Friday we came back up to Daytona and met up with Nate for lunch. Then I showed her around Riddle briefly, then back up to St. Augustine we went. Really didn't want to say goodbye, but such is the way life works. I certainly can't wait to see her over the summer. Guess I have my next "something" to look forward to. :-)

Saturday and Sunday were spent pretty much getting back in the swing of things...actually been doing that through today, but minor detail.

A Very Heavy Entry
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Jazz via my iPod
Well, yesterday it happened. To be succinct, Christy told me that she wasn’t going to break things off with Steve before she comes down here for spring break. After thinking about it yesterday evening, sleeping on it last night and pondering it during my break between classes today, I finally was able to break down my rather disjointed string of thoughts and make them semi-intelligible. The following is what I wrote this morning, and I shall preface it with this: Take of this what you will. I don’t know if these opinions are right or wrong, more than likely a combination of both. I’m open to the possibility that I may be off-base with some of them. The following is merely what I’ve been thinking for the past day or so. With that, read on…


"The key to a great story is not who, or what, or where, or when...but *why*." --Elliot Carver-

I guess that’s really the question I should be asking myself. Why am I feeling the way I am? The answer must be somewhat complicated, or I wouldn't be enjoying the trouble expressing myself that I am. Honestly, I am somewhat surprised that I feel as cruddy as I do, given the fact I have felt this coming for a while now. I suppose the absolute finality of hearing it directly from her is what got to me. Or maybe I just care about her. Damnit. If only she didn’t have me under her spell. Be a hell of a lot easier and I’d feel a hell of a lot better. I guess better isn’t quite the way to describe it. I’d feel a hell of a lot less. Six in one hand, a half-dozen in the other.

I can understand where she's coming from. Well, no. Understand isn't quite the right word. Acknowledge is better. I’m able, however, to appreciate how things have been hectic recently for her and the need for continuity. Lord knows I’ve been about as busy as I can ever remember the past few weeks. It’s interesting to think of the arc between us over the past few months. We went from barely knowing each other, to talking pretty much every day for hours and being rather taken by each other. Then Steve came along, and Christy became torn between us. Next she became uncomfortable with our flirting, etcetera. I tend to think it was at this point she started to hide her feelings for me. Next she outright told me she wanted to be just friends, thereby completing the process of shoving her feelings to some deep corner of her psyche where they’d have a hard time being found.

Maybe that’s it. That’s where the disheartening feeling I have is coming from. It’s a lament at how I haven’t made as much of an impression on her and she has on me. I suppose thinking about how she told me if we were closer and the situation different we’d more than likely be a couple right now only adds to that deflated feeling I have.

Speaking of. I really don’t understand the need to have a boyfriend just for the sake of having one “for fun.” It’s one thing to start dating and then realize that it isn’t going to work, but to start a relationship right off the bat knowing it’s not going to work out is quite another. It’s a waste of time and energy if you don’t see yourselves having the possibility of a future. I’m sure Steve is a nice guy, etcetera. But she’s told me outright that she doesn’t see him as husband material. Maybe I need to be “enlightened,” but I just don’t understand that mindset. Really this just reinforces that I don’t connect well to the majority of people that are of my generation. Maybe I was just born a century or two late, maybe I’m too conservatively-minded and rational, maybe I just act older than I am…I just don’t know.

But getting back on topic. Even when she told me, way back when, that Steve wouldn’t be in the picture come spring break, I always had a latent doubt about it. Alas I’ve been proven correct. Familiarity breeds contentment. I suppose that part of the annoyance I feel is due to the distance we are apart. It’s like fighting an uphill battle or trying to swim through sand. If I’m just a pleasant distraction and we’re 1400 miles away…I’m pretty much shit out of luck if she has another guy sitting right next to her, even if we might be a better fit together. I guess I’m mainly bummed because I think—no, I *know*--there’s something there between us. Pretty sure she feels it as well but won’t express it. I can see how she’d be scared and a little leery of putting all her eggs in one basket (i.e. there really being a connection between us), but then again that line of thinking brings me back to Steve and if she’s dating him just for fun and sees me as something that could work long-term. If that were the case then I wouldn’t see it as being such a leap of faith as it might otherwise seem. It seems like she’s scared to give “us” a fair go of it, which makes no sense considering how well we interact with one another.

I know damn well how I’m going to react to seeing her, and I know how I make her feel. I did see glimpses of that before she decided to lock it away. Not really sure how I’m supposed to act over spring break. Pretend I don’t feel what I feel? She said all she wants is to see where the friendship could go without forcing the issue on a relationship. Judging by the past six months there is an extremely good possibility of a relationship working out between us. I guess what I want is a chance to see what can develop between us without having to worry about other peripheral distractions. She doesn’t deny having feelings for me, yet she doesn’t want to leave open the possibility of “unrealistic expectations.” I wish I knew what she was so afraid of. She’s told me that life isn’t anything without a little risk…I get the impression she’s holding back, but just what or why I can’t really grasp at the moment. Ok, I think I’ve done a decent job of summing up what has been swimming through my head. Time for lunch.

Out of Spiffy Ideas Right Now
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: "Carry On" by Kansas
Where to begin...well I guess the first observation is that it isn't quite "tomorrow" like I promised in the previous entry, but minor detail. Second, after looking through all these emoticons, there isn't really one that describes what mood I'm in right now, which is kind of a combo of deflated and annoyed. But I'll get to that.

For the first time in a good year I really feel good about how school is going. After the first round of exams here's what I have...

Materials: B
Structures: B
Aerodynamics: A
Dynamics: A
Solids: A
Engineering Math: D

Not too shabby, if I do say so myself...except for the last bloody class. Pretty pissed off about that one, but such is life. Just have to do better on the remaining homeworks and exams. Actually got the second highest grade in the class on the Aero test, so I was pretty stoked about that on Monday.

However, going back to SAT prep class...

T.J.'s professional life :: smooth sailing in the south pacific as T.J.'s personal life :: bath toy in a squall.

Gosh, and even now I'm having trouble putting it into words. Aargh, I've never had a problem expressing my feelings before (well, when I wanted to)...wtf? I think I'll go lie down and finish this up when I'm able.

Study Break? Yes.
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: Various Orchestral Pieces
Ok, so...

1) I haven't updated in forever
2) I need a break from studying for my materials exam tomorrow.

Thus you get to see these nifty quiz things...

Your Life Path Number is 6

Your purpose in life is to help others You are very compassionate, and you offer comfort to those around you. It pains you to see other people hurting, and you do all in your power to help them. You take on responsibility, and don't mind personal sacrifice. You are the ultimate giver. In love, you offer warmth and protection to your partner. You often give too much of yourself, and you rarely put your own needs first. Emotions tend to rule your decisions too much, especially when it comes to love. And while taking care of people is great, make sure to give them room to grow on their own.

Pretty much spot on, except for the letting my emotions rule my decisions. I like to think I rarely let that happen...

You Are 43% Addicted to Love

Might as well face it, you're addicted to love. You've been a fool for love many times - but are you the wiser for it? Your needs should come first, both in and out of relationships. Because you're the only one who can look out for yourself!

I suppose that's about right...

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as driven and ambitious. Overall, your true self is reserved and logical. With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react. In love, you seem like a huge flirt. In stressful situations, you seem cheerful and optimistic.

Another that's surprisingly accurate...except for the flirt part. That made me laugh.

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't? You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky. In fights, you love to debate and defend yourself. You logic prevails - or at least you'd like to think so. Break-ups can be painful for you, but you never show it. You hold your head high.

Yep, another one that pegged me pretty close. Creepy.


And thus ends our regularly scheduled broadcast day. Tune in tomorrow for another update on recent happenings of the past couple weeks...

Mixed bag much?
Mood:  happy
So the day was going pretty darn well until about five minutes ago when my printer decided it wanted to break down. Grrr. My homemade fix didn't pan out, so I suppose I'll have to go hunt for the real part that I need. In other news, I'm finally starting to feel like the bits and pieces of engineering theory I've learned through the years are coming together. It's nice to kind of know where things are going, now. Also finding myself being a little more proactive in class, which I suppose is a side effect of wanting to get done and get the hell out of here. Christy bought her tickets to come down here for spring break yesterday, so I was pretty giddy yesterday evening. Nate noticed, and asked who made me so happy. Like he even has to ask...anyway, I can't wait for March to get here. Going to be a super fun time. Hopefully I'll get a few responses to all these e-mails I'm sending out...been trying to find myself an internship for the summer. Made an appointment with career services to help me out on Monday, so that'll be good. And now I must be off to class...until I get to come home and do many more wonderful hours of homework. Yahtzee.

Burglefickle
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: "Next to Nothing" -- Breaking Benjamin
So I figure I've discovered the scariest words known to man. Or rather men. If you want to drop a guy at 200 paces, all that needs to be done is say these four simple words..."We need to talk" (or one of its variants). Never in the history of humankind has a conversation begun with those words turned out positively. It's like blood in the water while swimming with sharks. Such is the situation I find myself in this evening. Though in my case I haven't yet been able to get a hold of said female. In other news, the first couple weeks of school have gone rather well. Although materials isn't going to be fun with all the memorization, structures is shaping up to be a pretty nifty class (no pun intended). Should be able to get a better friggin' grade in aero this semester. Man did Golubev really piss me off last fall. But that's neither here nor there. Can't do much about it now. Nate's still trying to find a place to stay and such, so we'll see if he's here next week. Never quite realize what not seeing your best friend in six months does until it happens. Alrighty, I think I've rambled on enough, and I am le tired. Time to get some sleep and run the gauntlet again tomorrow.

Has it really been that long?
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Some Billy Joel tunes
Holy cow it's been a while since I've updated this. Well, school is now back in session, which I'm somewhat glad about. At this point all I want to do is finish and get on with life. Alas I still have a ways to go. I suppose that soon enough I'll wish I was here and not out in the real world, though. Six in one hand, half a dozen in the other I guess. Anyway, Vegas was really fun. Golf with dad was great as always, and the weather was peachy keen as a jelly bean...except for one day with winds of 50 mph. Yuck. Even came out a little ahead at the casinos. Drive back was...except for the not so awesome wreck we saw, pretty decent. New Year's was...uneventful. Actually lonely is probably the better term. Spent it at home with the 'rents, since none of my friends were in Wenatchee. Hakuna matata. Grandpa is out of the hospital now...but on a boatload of meds and on oxygen. The docs are still trying to figure out the best course of action...apparently still not totally sure of the extent of the damage or how quickly it's been acting. Really sad to see him in that kind of shape. So many fond memories from childhood. That's the quick rundown of recent events. Countdown to spring break has most coitanly started...and of course to finding an internship for the summer. Until next time...

Happy Christmas Eve
Mood:  down
Been in Vegas now with the rest of the fam for a few days now. Been nice to see them. Uncle Dan is driving down today, so he'll be here tonight. Our drive to get down here was annoying. 21 hours in ice and snow. Fuddrucker. Left Monday morning didn't get here until Tuesday early morning. Played golf with dad on Thursday. That was really enjoyable. Reflection Bay is one of the nicer courses down here. That and Wolf Creek are by far my favorites in the area. Went and saw that new Jim Carrey/Tea Leoni movie last night. Was pretty funny. Be here in Vegas until the 30th. If I can take my mind off of things then it should be a good time.

Insert Title Here
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Sounds of Shrek out in the living room
Ok, time for a break from packing for winter vacation. Going to be home for some, in Vegas for most. Should be fun. Seems odd that Christmas is only a week and a half away. Finals went about as I expected. Glad they're done, but at the same time I feel like I still have work to do. Next semester, Teej, next semester. It's going to suck, by the way. 18 credits. Gotta be done, though. Between that, trying to tie down an internship and making time for Christy I'm going to be pretty busy. All will be well eventually. I feel like I didn't push myself hard enough this semester. Need to work harder, since this stuff doesn't come as easily to me as it does to others. Oh well. Life is good for the most part, so I can't complain much.